


Better Than Now, Worse Than Before

by Gilberrts



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/F, M/M, Nobody in Space is Straight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:44:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6581470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilberrts/pseuds/Gilberrts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is a mess. Rey is... also a bit of a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than Now, Worse Than Before

Rey does not sleep, so she watches Finn's dreams. Perhaps "watch" isn't the right word for what she's doing. Ever since she left her friend's side, she's been aware of his presence in the Force, and how tightly their energies are tied together. It felt like a spool of thread that stretched between them that became longer the further she moved away from Finn. There are no beds in Luke's home, but he insisted on giving her several times as many blankets as she could possibly need, so comfort is hardly an issue. Still, her mind is buzzing with a million thoughts, worries, and hopes. She's sitting outside Luke's dwelling, staring at the stars, that were galaxies away and still seemed close enough to touch. The impossibly green grass is damp to the touch and the night air is cool on her face, but one of Luke's soft homemade blankets keeps her warm. Rey closes her eyes, calms her racing mind and heart, and follows the thread. It leads her where she wants to go. In this case, the "where" is Finn. He's dreaming, and Rey decides to step a little further into his head, against her better judgement. She does not see a normal dream, more a collection of Finn's thoughts, feelings, and memories that represent his dreams. There's fear, a staggering amount of it, but there is so much love as well. She sees a stormtrooper, but he's lying on the sandy ground, holding onto her- Finn's arms. Somehow, she knows the masked figure is dying. Finn's reaction is filled with so much pain, and she feels every bit of it keenly. She sees herself, and the admiration she knows Finn feels for her is intoxicating. It is so strange to know someone cares for her. It is jarring after so many years alone in the desert, desperately hoping for someone, anyone to return for her and take her home, wherever that was. In Finn's dreams, Poe Dameron is there with him. Rey had met him twice, briefly. When Chewie had first brought Finn to the doctors after StarKiller, she had seen one of the pilots come their way. At first, the man had been jogging towards The Falcon, but Rey could practically see the second he took in Finn's prone form in Chewbacca's arms. He had broken into a sprint, despite his heavy flight suit, his brow furrowed, all his features plainly expressing his concern. BB-8 was rolling by his side as well. Despite her confusion at this new development, she had turned away to Finn, however useless watching him was. She had felt completely helpless in a way she had never experienced before, not even when Kylo Ren had reached into her skull and dragged out her most private thoughts. It was not a problem she could possibly solve or a fight she could win for him. There was simply nothing she could do. She remembered being pushed out of the room in Medical while Finn was stabilized and prepped for surgery. Next to her had been the pilot, still holding his helmet. BB-8 had gently bumped against her calf, by way of getting her attention. 

"The odds of his survival are 47,034 to one" beeped the droid, after a moment's consideration. "But I know he'll be okay."

"Thanks." Rey's voice had been hoarse, but otherwise devoid of emotion.

"You must be Rey." The pilot startled Rey, she had almost forgotten him.

"Yeah. Do they belong to you?" At this, BB-8 made many enthusiastic and mostly meaningless noises.

"Yep. My name's Poe Dameron." With this, he had extended his right hand at slightly above waist level. Rey had stared at it in confusion, painfully aware of her lack of knowledge of social customs. Poe immediately dropped his hand, unfazed by her reaction, or lack of reaction. Maybe, she had thought, that was what she was supposed to do with his hand. In retrospect, it was more likely Poe was just a very kind man. A few seconds after his greeting, she connected the dots. Poe Dameron. BB-8's owner, originally assigned to retrieve the map to Luke Skywalker. Poe Dameron, who died on Jakku, several days ago.

"Finn told me you were dead."

"No, but it was a near thing." There's a smile on his face, but his eyes stared sadly at the door on the surgery room Finn was in. Somehow sensing their master wasn't up to conversation, BB-8 butted in with the heroic tale of Poe's mission, his botched escape from the First Order, and the events following his crash on Jakku. They spoke almost too quickly for Rey to translate, in their excitement. It seemed almost frantic, BB-8's need to fill the silence between them while Finn's fate was decided. All three of them eventually left to debrief, finally accepting that they could do nothing. Rey saw the pilot once more before she left D’Quar, several days after their first meeting. She had come to medical to say goodbye to Finn. Poe had been there, sitting next to Finn's cot. Poe’s head was cradled in his hands, his face hidden. He didn't immediately notice or react to her presence, and she was overwhelmed with pity for him. He suddenly stood up, and looked at her with wide eyes. He reminded her of a cornered animal, with fear and fatigue written in the lines on his face. 

"I'll give you two some privacy." He was staring vacantly at the floor as he left, but he gave the bed one last wistful glance before exiting. As he passed, a young woman wearing a leather jacket caught him by the elbow.

"Poe. I came here looking for you because General Organa wants to speak with you." Poe nodded miserably as he left, and Rey was vaguely aware that she was staring. The woman was devastatingly attractive, with long brown hair and smooth skin. She also has beautiful brown eyes that were widening in surprise. She came towards Rey, moving with long, graceful strides. She had seized Rey's left hand and moved it up and down several times. Dimly, Rey thought Oh, that's what you're supposed to do. She also had several crises of faith, sexuality, and self confidence within the span of ten seconds. Ten very confusing seconds. 

"I'm Jessika Pava, but you can call me Jess. It's incredible to meet the girl I've heard so much about. What you did on StarKiller was amazing."

Rey searched her mind. She knew she was supposed to respond to that, but how? 

"Th- thank you." That's what she was supposed to say, right? Jess looked happy and not particularly offended, so maybe. Rey felt like she was going to humiliate herself any second, and she felt heat rising in her cheeks as she flushed. The woman was smiling, and her her enthusiasm made her brilliant. Rey thought Jess’s cheeks were starting to color, but she wasn't sure. However, Rey was fairly certain she was about to overheat and combust like an overworked engine. Jess had a small beauty mark beneath her nose. Rey missed the next few words she said.

"-so I'll get out of your hair now. See you around." She ducked her head as she turned away, face pink, a smile on her lips. I really hope so, thought Rey. Jessika walked away, and Rey turned to Finn. She had felt the slightest bit of guilt over leaving him, but she knew they would meet again.

Rey is dragged from her reverie by Luke leaving his hut. The only sound to announce his presence is the whisper of his robes when he sits down next to her. 

"You think very loudly." His voice is rough, yet higher than she expected, and Rey gets the impression that he has not spoken in years. The thought of him reading her mind, however unintentionally, is unnerving. Rey tries to focus on the background noise of the ocean crashing against the cliffs all around them, as if will prevent her from thinking anything personal. 

"I'm sorry. I have not had to shield my mind in many years. It's difficult to adjust." He pauses, his eyes staring above them. When he spoke again, he made eye contact with her for the first time that night.

"It's good, how much you care for him." It felt as if he was staring deep into her soul with the gentle intensity of his gaze. He probably was, for all she knew. 

"If this is what it feels like to care for others, maybe I was better off alone." Her voice is cold, but underneath the icy front, Rey can feel hot tears behind her eyes.

"Oh, Rey." Luke's voice was thick with unidentified emotion.

"Love can hurt, but love can also make you stronger. I did not understand this when I was younger. I left people behind when I should have stayed. I was afraid of pain; the pain I caused others, and the pain of losing those I cared for. Embrace your compassion and the strength it gives you, or you just might end up on a deserted island, old, bitter, and of no use to anyone." Luke laughed at his own joke. It was that sad little laugh that made Rey pity the single most powerful Jedi in the galaxy. Before she had time to question herself and the horrible decision she was about to make, Rey pulled Luke into a tight embrace. She felt all his muscles tighten in surprise, and release as Luke relaxed into the hug.

"It's not too late to return to her, you know." She said.

"I abandoned Leia when she needed me most. How could I come back to her?"  
Luke whispered over her shoulder.

" I don't know. But I know she loves you." 

"Thank you, Rey." Luke leaned back, a hint of a smile on his face. For a split-second, he seemed both very young and very old.

"Maybe it's time for us to go back." Rey could feel her face split into a grin when Luke said that, but she could not bring herself to stop. She had the strangest sensation of something warm expanding in her chest, a side effect of euphoria.

"Maybe it is."

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the italicized text didn't transfer to ao3, but what can you do? This is set before More Than Spare Parts, but can definitely be read as a stand-alone. Notice how I subtly left Rey's parentage and familial relationship to Luke out. Well, that was definitely on purpose, and not at all because I'm a dumbass who can't decide on one headcanon.


End file.
